I'm so fucking centered right now
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
