i don't plan on having that self control this summer
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
