I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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