i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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