A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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