My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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