I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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