I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
