I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
