Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
