One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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