i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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