I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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