I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
