Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
