Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Panties = found
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
