I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
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I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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