If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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