just come out here and I will go home with you...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
