I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
