You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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