how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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