The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
