If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
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RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
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The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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