I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i believe in u and ur pee
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
