Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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