Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
