I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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