Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
