You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You ruined the universe
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
