dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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