weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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