1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
