I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want her autograph on my taint
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
