we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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