peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
