The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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