We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
