I just threw up on my dentist
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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