he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
