i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
