I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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