a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
