You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
