I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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