My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
