I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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