last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
