I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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