My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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