Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
