If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
