He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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